A time-out can be very helpful when you are feeling too upset to think straight. Acknowledge that you need a break. Let the other person know that you need His Secret Obsession some time to think and assure your spouse that you will come back.
While you are gone, try not to focus on thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood. Instead, ask yourself: What is the real issue for me? What am I feeling underneath this anger? What do I want? How can I look at this from my partner's point of view? What does my partner want? How am I contributing to the problem? What can I do to make it right? How can I express myself more clearly? Then return to your spouse with a conscious intention to own your part in the problem and talk about it calmly with an open mind and a softer heart.
Tip #3: Assume goodwill-don't condemn each other. We are all capable of intentionally saying or doing mean-spirited things to hurt the ones we love, especially in the heat of battle when one or both spouses are feeling flooded and overwhelmed.
But when people are just going about their lives, the initial reasons for conflict are rarely rooted in negative intentions. Most people are usually motivated by positive intentions even if the outcome may be negative for others around them. Many garden-variety conflicts in marriage involve misunderstandings or conflicting goals rather than intentional transgressions against each other.
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In such cases, acknowledge your hurt and communicate that hurt to your spouse, but try not to approach your spouse as though he or she committed a crime against you, especially where there was no clear negative intent. Assume, for example, that your spouse was doing his or her best to overcome a difficult situation rather than trying to make life hard for you on purpose.