and realize your sash has spit

ce she d disembarked into the wilds of Africa!So there she was on the ship wedding dress petticoat , with her wedding dress in her suitcase, a chaperone on hand, and a new life finally opening up before her.The only problem was she met another man on board, a dashing English army officer returning to his regiment in India.Stay on board, he urged.And by the time your family in Ireland hears about it, we ll be safely settled in India and it won t matter at all.I can still remember my excitement at hearing of this potential wickedness.By the time those first letters reached Ireland it would indeed be too late for objections.So what did you do, I asked her.Surely you didn t get off the boat and tamely get married and forget about him?But my grandmother was a well-brought-up young woman.She knew the meaning of duty.After all, my grandfather-to-be had been hard at work in Cradock for five years, preparing for her arrival.She duly disembarked, married him there and then beneath the gaze of Table Mountain, and took a train across the Karoo for the honeymoon.Now, the question is: Will Cathleen, a character inspired by my grandmother in The Housemaid s Daughter, prove equally virtuous or will she succumb to the gallantries of a ship-board suitor?Dear Kate Middleton: About this pregnancy thingDear Kate,It’s me: Jane.Edward’s but they told me they sent you home!How did I get in here?Easy: I wore a hat and I told them I was Pippa.Not the brightest batch of guards here, are they?No, no: Don’t get up.You look dreadful, by the way.I could retire on what just a few snaps of you in this condition would fetch on TMZ.This pregnancy thing: Not exactly as advertised, is it?Glowing is a euphemism for bilious.Truth be told, I bet seven out of 10 of my friends could hardly wait for the whole thing to be over.For every yummy-mommy-to-be starlet scampering about in her bikini, there are innumerable swollen ankle’d women foreswearing sex for the balance of their lives.Unlucky for you bridal petticoat , as you will be pressed into service for a heir and a spare.Why, your very own great-great-mother-in-law, Queen Victoria, said that being pregnant is the occupational hazard of being a wife.She ought to know: she whelped nine little royals.Doctors say Duchess’ rare condition could mean more than one royal baby in the offingWhile morning sickness in pregnant women is common, the problem the Duchess of Cambridge has been hospitalized with is not.In a statement Monday, palace officials said she was hospitalized with hyperemesis gravidarum, a potentially dangerous type of morning sickness where vomiting is so severe no food or liquid can be kept down.Palace officials said the duchess was expected to remain hospitalized for several days and would require a period of rest afterwards.The condition is thought to affect about one in 50 pregnant women and tends to be more common in young women, women who are pregnant for the first time, those expecting multiple babies and in non-smokers.Gaither said that fewer than one per cent of women with the condition need to be hospitalized.So cheer up darling: the worst is yet to come.Now, look what I’ve brought you.No, it’s not a Mercedes Benz MacLaren stroller.It’s a box of Saltines!Now, the idea is that you kind of gum these crackers, you know, the way a baby does an Arrowroot cookie.Break off a piece and let its starchy goodness melt in your mouth.If you keep upchucking, they’ll send you back to St.Ted’s and then the rumour mill will pitch into overdrive: Duchess of Cambridge imprisoned in royal baby mill!They’ll tell you this hyperemesis gravidarum will subside soon, but there are no guarantees, let me tell you from experience!My pet name for pregnancy was sperm poisoning.I got pregnant and began vomiting the next morning.While in labour, I couldn’t even keep down an ice chip.Raspberry leaf tea, naturopathic anti-nausea ginger root home remedies, abstaining from all food with a vowel in it: nothing worked.Did you know that the word nausea derives from the Greek for ship?Mal de mere, indeed!To keep from passing out wedding hair accessories , I lived on Smarties, thosecalorie-dense little nuggets, administered every half hour.But don’t worry about the health of your baby.Babies take what they need from you, by force, if necessary.Insufficient nutrient-dense food?The miracle growing inside you will deplete your calcium stores, your hydration, your vitamin reserves.It’s treasonous, really.A type of insurrection, but what can you do?RelatedPregnant Kate discharged from London hospital, heads to palace to restKate Middleton hospital receptionist who put through prank call from Aussie DJs found dead in apparent suicideAustralian radio DJs removed from air after nurse they fooled with Kate Middleton prank call diesThey’ll tell you that morning sickness is an indicator: that you’re carrying a girl; that you’re carrying a boy; that it’s just nerves.The purpose of morning sickness to prepare you for the indignities of motherhood.Ask your (grand) Queen-/mother-in-law; she’ll understand.Even with a household cavalry, offspring have a way of going their wayward ways.Have a look at Harry, for gawdsakes!Hopefully, technology will have advanced beyond nasty shots on Instagram by the time your little one is of that age.One day you will reach into your handbag and discover a soother, a small truck, some Cheerios, but no lipstick.and discover you are urinating on a small boat.Toilets provide hours of entertainment to children.As does toilet paper; be sure to stock up at Sainsbury’s when TP on sale.One day you will be sitting at a banquet for the Chancellor of the Exchequer and realize your sash has spit up on it.Yes, you’re going to have to rethink the whole wardrobe thing.Say farewell to earrings.The sight of dangling, sparkly baubles suspended off mommy’s head is far too alluring for any babe-in-arms to resist.Ditto for necklaces, although the merriment that ensues when a group of commoners are collecting up bouncing 12 mm pearls may well be worth the inconvenience.is .